Motherhood

When I was a foster parent about 7 years ago (where has the time gone??) in Houston, I started this blog and wrote often about my experiences and memories with the beautiful children I was blessed to care for. I wanted to remember every little thing about them!

Fast forward to 2019 when I became a mother myself. My son Arthur was born and life changed forever. Becoming a mama has been the best, hardest, most sanctifying, life-altering event of my life. Each day, my son teaches me and guides me and molds me into a new person. A better person, a more tired person (!), a more patient person, a more loving person.

My son is my world. Raising him alongside my beloved husband has been the greatest adventure of our lives.

So, in an effort to remember every little thing about the best little guy in the universe, here are some things I never want to forget about my 10-month-old ray of sunshine:

• He's always happy, always smiling. He loves everyone without hesitation and is excited every morning for a new day to play and learn and walk and crawl and take on the world.
• He loves his mama and daddy and grandma and grandpas and aunt and uncle and cousin. He loves us all with everything he has.
• He has SO much energy. It's endless and full of life.
• He loves to explore and try to stand up on every piece of furniture he can find. He's bumped his head more often than I should admit (sorry buddy!).
• He LOVES to talk. He babbles on and on all day. It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard!
• The sound of his laughter and his wide toothy grin is the best medicine.
• He sleeps soundly through the night (woohoo!).
• He makes the funniest noises when he's tired. He fights sleep until he can't fight it anymore.
• He says "mama" and "dada" and "baba" and "tata" (not sure what that one means).
• He's not the biggest eater. I have to remind him to eat! But once I get him to eat, he's not too picky. Loves any kind of fruit and chicken and CHEESE and waffles and hot dogs. Still learning how to feed himself.
• He loves water and drinking from cups (he tries!).
• He loves his dogs, Olive and Crosley. He wants to play with them so bad, but they always run away. :-P
• He loves the "kiss monster" (aka daddy). He fights back with the "drool monster".
• He loves crawling up the stairs.
• He loves bath time and taking showers with daddy.
• He is the biggest joy. I love dancing with him. I love singing with him.
• He always pulls my hair (ouch!).
• He makes his mama and dada so very proud.

You're going to do big, big things Arthur. I feel so lucky and blessed to be your mom.

"Children are a gift from the Lord. They are a reward from Him." - Psalm 127:3

"The old is gone; a new life has begun!"

As I began to reflect on the stones of remembrance in my own life, my mind immediately returned to September 2012 in Houston, TX. It was my first month as a foster parent and I was seriously questioning whether I made the right decision. Up until that moment, it all seemed like an abstract idea: “Take care of some cute kids for a year? Sure, that sounds great!” But there I was, 2 weeks of training had come to an end, and I was officially moved into the house with 5 kids (all under 6 years old). My experience with kids was limited to the few times I babysat in high school and the summers I spent as a parks & rec counselor. I always loved kids, but this was different. I was totally responsible for these children. I had to parent them. In mid-September 2012, the reality of this was just settling in…

One of my first kids was a 4-year-old boy named Angel. Which is funny, because I remember thinking he was anything but an angel. He was loud, aggressive, and angry. On my first official day as a foster parent, he put another child in a chokehold. He didn’t listen and he screamed in my face when I asked him to pick up the puzzle he had just thrown across the room. My optimistic naiveté about the year ahead had come to a screeching halt as I began to panic about whether or not I could do this. “What am I doing here? I can’t do this. I made a huge mistake.”

That night, after the chaos of bedtime had subsided, I said a silent prayer: “Lord. I can’t do this without you. If we’re going to get through this year, I need your help. I give this all to you. Give me eyes to see Angel how you see him. Help me to love him. Give me patience. Give me wisdom.”

The next day, I woke up with a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I could already feel the patience that I had begged for just the night before. Slowly but surely, with the help of God’s guiding hand, I began to form a special relationship with Angel. I strived to be patient and forgiving and spend as much one-on-one time with him as I could. In the months that followed, I tried really hard to see him as God sees him and love him even when it was most difficult to do so. Before I knew it, I realized I was crazy about this little kid. I remember thinking to myself, “Wait a second, I really love this child like he was my own.” He was my buddy, my little man. I woke up every morning excited about spending a whole day with him! He made me laugh all the time. He was funny, smart, creative, and kind. He was no longer violent or aggressive. The transformation was absolutely remarkable.

Never have I seen a prayer answered so clearly, right before my eyes. God worked through me to shower this child with His love. It was through the power of God’s love that both Angel and I became like new people. I was more patient, forgiving, and loving than I ever thought possible. Angel was no longer full of fear, anger, and uncertainty. God forged a special friendship between the two of us that still blesses me to this day.

As I reflect back on Angel and the progression of our relationship, I see clearly how we are so often like the scared, angry little boy that Angel was when I first met him. We don’t trust God, we disobey him, and we are full of fear and doubt. But God loves us through our doubts with a patience that surpasses all understanding. He presses into our needs, loving and forgiving us even when we least deserve it. It is this kind of love that transforms our lives and makes us new. As it is written in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

When we love like Jesus loves, lives are transformed. Just as his love continues to transform us, when we act as the hands and feet of Jesus, miracles happen. So I pray, Lord, give us eyes to see people how you see them. Give us hearts to love them like you love them (especially when it’s most difficult to do so). We don’t deserve your love. We don’t deserve your forgiveness. You give it to us anyway. Help us to love people like that.

New Beginnings

There are so many beautiful chapters in this earthly life. God has already blessed me with some great ones. Before I move onto the next one, I must look back and give thanks for my last chapter as a foster parent. It was a chapter that I will cherish and keep close to my heart, always.

It's hard to put into words, my thoughts on this last year. Where to begin? Being a foster parent brought the most amazing people into my life. It brought me so much love. I will never forget the beauty and joy I experienced everyday as I fell more and more in love with those children. I still dream about them. I still yearn to see them and hold them close. I'm not sure those feelings will ever go away. I'm not sure I want them to. 

There is so much I miss about nine kids, in particular...

• D. I knew you for just 3 months. You will be with me for a lifetime.
• A. We had so much fun. You stole my heart. You changed me.
• J. Your kindness and joy will always inspire me. I miss your sweet smile.
• M. My baby girl. I dream about you all the time.
• Baby J. I pray for your new family. I hope you're still flashing that winning smile.
• C. I have your painting hung up in my room. Just like I promised.
• H. My life is too quiet without you in it. I miss your loud laughter.
• A. Your smile always brightened the room. Wish I could squeeze you tight.
• Baby D. There is nothing I want more than to have you right here with me.

I sit here, thinking about all 9 of you. I think how amazing it would be if you were all with me right now. That's the hardest part about this chapter - it ends. You belonged to me for a little while and now it's time to say goodbye. It's time to take everything I learned from you and move forward to the next chapter. It's time for a new beginning (for all of us). Even though you may not remember me, specifically, I hope that deep inside, you remember how much you were loved. I hope you hold onto that feeling and never, ever settle for anything less.

God, I pray that You hold those nine kids in the palm of Your hand. Lead them to Your perfect Light.

"God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy." - Psalm 68:6

Day 343: Time for Reflection

As I near the end of my time here in Houston, I can't help but reflect on the million little beautiful moments I've experienced as a foster parent to the most amazing children I've ever known. They will probably never know it, but each one has changed my life for the better. Little by little, each tiny hand has molded me into a new person. I wish our paths would cross again. I wish I could tell them what their love has meant to me this past year. I wish I knew how they were doing. I wish, I wish, I wish...

Instead of wishing, I will give this burden to my loving Father in heaven. He goes before them always.

It is truly stunning when God gives you a small glimpse of His great power. Most of the time, I really don't understand what He's doing. I have questioned God more often than I care to admit. When my future looks uncertain, I foolishly let worry and fear into my life. As I reflect on this past year, I am so glad He doesn't allow us to see the future. If I saw the pain and frustration that I would undergo this year, I would have quickly said "No thanks, God!" and stayed right there in my happy little comfort zone. Can you imagine everything I would have missed?? Phew, I am so blessed to have a Father who knows me way better than I know myself.

Slowly but surely, it has become very clear to me why I was sent to Casa last year. In addition to caring for those sweet kids and learning so much about life from their joy and beauty, I believe it was His way of revealing His plan for my life. I believe He is calling me to dedicate my life to the "least of these". I will answer His call; I will look after orphans in their distress.

As I look forward to the next chapter of my life (so perfectly orchestrated by Him), I realize there are so many things I will miss about being a foster parent. I will miss waking up to the sweetest smiles and the happiest laughter. I will miss rocking babies to sleep, singing lullabies off-key, and tucking sleepy children into bed. I will miss reading stories and playing with play-doh. I will miss Disney movie nights and blowing kisses and playing dress-up. I will miss my sweet friends and fellow foster parents. Most of all, I will miss the beautiful, breath-taking, unconditional love of a child. I have never experienced anything so sweet and inspiring.

There are also a few things I will definitely not miss. Like this:

This is what laundry for 4 kids looks like. Everyday. I won't miss cleaning a million dishes, wiping milk off the floor, getting puked on, finding Dora cereal everywhere, and changing poopy diapers. But ya know what? I'd do it all again. I wouldn't take back a thing.

I have loved caring for these kids more than words can say. Thank you, Lord, for a truly unforgettable experience.

Jesus said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.” - Luke 12:22-23

Day 329: The Vineyard's Keeper

"I, the Lord, am the vineyard's keeper; every moment I water it. I guard it night and day so that no one can harm it." - Isaiah 27:3

My little man & his flip flops

We are His vineyard. He is our keeper. I am just a single vine in this great vineyard, but I have seen the power of His constant provision. I have seen it yield abundant fruit. 

Over and over again, I find joy in unexpected places. Today, I found joy on the bottom of baby D's feet. He got a kick out of those flip flops. I found joy on the swing. At the dinner table. In my room. It's everywhere. It's everywhere because He is everywhere. Often, I miss these blessings of joy. I miss them because I am not looking. I'm looking at the future, I'm looking at the past, I'm looking at the mess on the floor or the reflection in the mirror or the empty space in my wallet. I'm looking anywhere but up.

The Lord says that He is our keeper. He promises to guard us, night and day. "Every moment I water it." There is so much joy to be found in each moment, if only we let ourselves see it. If only we let ourselves drink from His abundant, unending supply of life-giving water. Let's put aside these earthly worries and open our eyes to the joy.

Day 323: Gratitude

I want to take a moment of gratitude for all the beautiful blessings in my life. Here are a few that are on my mind tonight...

Holding hands with baby D

Baby A learning how to walk

Watching movies with these little monsters

My new girls. Que bonitas!

• For the millions of sweet memories I have of C, H, A, A, J, and M. I could talk about them all day. 
• For the countless ways in which baby D melts my heart, every single day. I fed him his first jar of baby food tonight! 
• For the four little girls that we welcomed into our home this week. Their adorable smiles make the transition so much easier.
• For my family in New York. Their love is my rock.
• For my Casa family. We've been through so much together.
• For my sweet Father in Heaven. His grace is enough.

Thank you, Father, for the abundant blessings that you continually shower upon me. I am so grateful for your eternal love!

"Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Ephesians 5:20

Day 320: Out of Goodbyes

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.” - Sarah Dessen

Today was a hard one. I have been saying too many goodbyes lately. I'm all out of goodbyes. My three beautiful little angels left today. Watching them leave this afternoon felt like I was watching my own heart drive away. We shared so much love, so many wonderful memories. What happens to all that love now? Was it all in vain? I just want them in my life. I want to know them forever. Talking to C about it was the hardest part. "I want to stay here with you." Oh, how I wish you could. I'll be loving you from far away forever and ever.

C, H, & A: You three are my home. I hope you always know how much you are loved - and how hard it was to say goodbye to you today. Words cannot express how empty this house feels without you in it. Thank you for filling my life with your unforgettable love; my heart is overflowing with sweet memories of you. You have been three of the biggest joys of my life. Thank you. Thank you for your unconditional love and for showing me how fun life can be. You are wonderful. You are loved. You are worthy. I will never forget you.

All I can do now is pray to my sweet Father in Heaven. He knows them, He loves them, He will be with them always. Heavenly Father, please watch over these three precious angels. Guide them, guard them, protect them. Send your peace upon them while they grow into the strong, beautiful people you have created them to be. Thank you for putting them in my life. Thank you for blessing me with their beauty.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7

Day 316: Unconditional Love

That quote, those precious feet, the million little moments from this past year that have left me a changed person: they all point me to His unconditional love. His breathtaking, unending, life-changing, unconditional love. The amount of love I have for these sweet children is nothing compared to the amount of love He has for them. My mind fails to fathom that kind of love, but my heart takes so much comfort in it.

You might look at that picture above and just see eight tiny feet. I see so much more than that. I see four of the most beautiful people I've ever known. I see big smiles, big messes, endless energy, goofy dance moves, and tight hugs. When I look at this picture, I can hear their loud laughter and their quiet "I love you". Best of all, when I look at this picture, I see unconditional love.

Here are just a few of the billion reasons why I love these four incredible kids (starting from left to right):

H. You have no sense of personal space. Every time I sit down, you come right over and proceed to sit right on top of me. I can't help but laugh. "I want to see a puppy." I find a picture of a puppy on my phone. "PUPPY DOGGY!" I love how you sing "You Are My Sunshine." I love how you say my name. I love how you say it repeatedly, just to get my attention. "Um. Ummm. I love you." (I love you more kiddo). You love reading books. You love to cuddle. You are the messiest eater I've ever seen. You love your Scooby-Doo shoes and riding in the car. You always make me feel better. You have left your footprint on my heart.

C. You are such a character. You love dressing up as Captain America. You love watching movies. You are thoughtful, curious, and inquisitive. You have so much energy. You are so well-behaved. You love piggy-back rides and helping in the kitchen. I love watching "Magic School Bus" with you. I love reading books with you. I love running with you. You are so fast! You melt my heart with your kindness. You crack me up with your sense of humor. You love car rides and fruit snacks and fancy shoes. You are so smart. You make me smile. You have left your footprint on my heart.

D. You are growing up so fast. I cannot believe you are six months old already. You are sitting up all by yourself now! It melts my heart every time I see your small body sleeping in that big ol' crib. You love C, H, and A. They always make you laugh. You love your stuffed frog. You love standing up and being upside-down. I love seeing you sit on H's booster seat, your head barely above the table. I love how you reach for my face and laugh. I love holding you close. You are always happy. You always make me happy. You have left your footprint on my heart.

A. You are always smiling. Your laugh is my favorite sound in the world. You love your brothers. You love crawling to the kitchen, the bathroom, the closet (all places you don't belong). You are almost walking. You love your Gerber Graduates and bananas. At the end of the day, your hair resembles Kramer from Seinfeld. You love nap-time. You sleep with your butt in the air. You are so ticklish. You always grab my hair (ouch!). I love dancing with you. I love singing to you. You are such a joy. You have left your footprint on my heart.

These four, along with my precious A, J, & M and baby J, have changed my life for the better. My heart is covered in their footprints. I am so grateful.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Day 314: Goodbyes Are Hard

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."

My three beautiful babies are onto the next chapter of their childhood. It's hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye. They have brought so much joy into my life. They got me through some hard times. They were the reason I woke up every morning with a smile on my face, excited for a full day of their sweet laughter and tight hugs. They have left their footprints on my heart and I will never, ever be the same. Between my mom and I, these kiddos will always have two prayer warriors praying for them. May the good Lord bless and protect them. I didn't have much time to say goodbye, and they probably wouldn't understand anyway, but if I could, this is what I would tell them...

A, J, and M: Thank you. Thank you for making me a better person. For all the times you made me laugh. All the times you made me feel so loved. I could see God's love in all your faces. For keeping me on my toes and constantly teaching me about life and imagination and forgiveness and patience and hope and love. Your energy and joy radiated to everyone who knew you. Your kindness was inspiring. I pray you never lose your beautiful, resilient spirits. You are wonderful. You are loved. You are worthy. I will never forget you.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Day 308: Relentless

"Don't let your passion fade away. Be relentless in your prayers, stay firm in your integrity & be content to serve God wherever He puts you."

I came across that quote on Twitter yesterday at the exact moment that I needed some encouragement. Although this past year has been filled with love and joy from all my sweet beautiful children, it has also been filled with many difficult situations. I was feeling quite down yesterday and was tempted to wallow in the "woe is me" school of thought. I wished I was home. I wished I was with my family. I wanted to be anywhere but here. God quickly and gently reminded me that He has put me here for a reason. Who am I to say what's best for me? Who am I to dare think that I know better than He does? I saw this quote and immediately thanked God for the much-needed reality check. I decided right then and there: I WILL be content serving God wherever He puts me. I WILL be relentless in my prayers and firm in my integrity. My passion will NOT fade away. No one can steal my joy except for me. Today, I choose joy.

Although dealing with conflict and standing up against adversity is anything but comfortable, this year has taught me that it is absolutely vital in our walks with God. Even though I don't understand it, I know He is teaching me and I am trying my hardest to do what is right - even if it's far outside my comfort zone. "God puts us into this world to refine us and purify us, not to comfort us." I found that in a random blog post yesterday and was so thankful for the reminder. Our comfort is not His priority. Being a child of God means that we will face many hardships and many difficult situations. It's times like these when God does his best work in us, if we let Him.

Instead of saying "Why me?", I will say "Thank you Lord, for teaching me, refining me, purifying me."

"Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants." - Deuteronomy 32:2