Day 320: Out of Goodbyes

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.” - Sarah Dessen

Today was a hard one. I have been saying too many goodbyes lately. I'm all out of goodbyes. My three beautiful little angels left today. Watching them leave this afternoon felt like I was watching my own heart drive away. We shared so much love, so many wonderful memories. What happens to all that love now? Was it all in vain? I just want them in my life. I want to know them forever. Talking to C about it was the hardest part. "I want to stay here with you." Oh, how I wish you could. I'll be loving you from far away forever and ever.

C, H, & A: You three are my home. I hope you always know how much you are loved - and how hard it was to say goodbye to you today. Words cannot express how empty this house feels without you in it. Thank you for filling my life with your unforgettable love; my heart is overflowing with sweet memories of you. You have been three of the biggest joys of my life. Thank you. Thank you for your unconditional love and for showing me how fun life can be. You are wonderful. You are loved. You are worthy. I will never forget you.

All I can do now is pray to my sweet Father in Heaven. He knows them, He loves them, He will be with them always. Heavenly Father, please watch over these three precious angels. Guide them, guard them, protect them. Send your peace upon them while they grow into the strong, beautiful people you have created them to be. Thank you for putting them in my life. Thank you for blessing me with their beauty.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7

Day 316: Unconditional Love

That quote, those precious feet, the million little moments from this past year that have left me a changed person: they all point me to His unconditional love. His breathtaking, unending, life-changing, unconditional love. The amount of love I have for these sweet children is nothing compared to the amount of love He has for them. My mind fails to fathom that kind of love, but my heart takes so much comfort in it.

You might look at that picture above and just see eight tiny feet. I see so much more than that. I see four of the most beautiful people I've ever known. I see big smiles, big messes, endless energy, goofy dance moves, and tight hugs. When I look at this picture, I can hear their loud laughter and their quiet "I love you". Best of all, when I look at this picture, I see unconditional love.

Here are just a few of the billion reasons why I love these four incredible kids (starting from left to right):

H. You have no sense of personal space. Every time I sit down, you come right over and proceed to sit right on top of me. I can't help but laugh. "I want to see a puppy." I find a picture of a puppy on my phone. "PUPPY DOGGY!" I love how you sing "You Are My Sunshine." I love how you say my name. I love how you say it repeatedly, just to get my attention. "Um. Ummm. I love you." (I love you more kiddo). You love reading books. You love to cuddle. You are the messiest eater I've ever seen. You love your Scooby-Doo shoes and riding in the car. You always make me feel better. You have left your footprint on my heart.

C. You are such a character. You love dressing up as Captain America. You love watching movies. You are thoughtful, curious, and inquisitive. You have so much energy. You are so well-behaved. You love piggy-back rides and helping in the kitchen. I love watching "Magic School Bus" with you. I love reading books with you. I love running with you. You are so fast! You melt my heart with your kindness. You crack me up with your sense of humor. You love car rides and fruit snacks and fancy shoes. You are so smart. You make me smile. You have left your footprint on my heart.

D. You are growing up so fast. I cannot believe you are six months old already. You are sitting up all by yourself now! It melts my heart every time I see your small body sleeping in that big ol' crib. You love C, H, and A. They always make you laugh. You love your stuffed frog. You love standing up and being upside-down. I love seeing you sit on H's booster seat, your head barely above the table. I love how you reach for my face and laugh. I love holding you close. You are always happy. You always make me happy. You have left your footprint on my heart.

A. You are always smiling. Your laugh is my favorite sound in the world. You love your brothers. You love crawling to the kitchen, the bathroom, the closet (all places you don't belong). You are almost walking. You love your Gerber Graduates and bananas. At the end of the day, your hair resembles Kramer from Seinfeld. You love nap-time. You sleep with your butt in the air. You are so ticklish. You always grab my hair (ouch!). I love dancing with you. I love singing to you. You are such a joy. You have left your footprint on my heart.

These four, along with my precious A, J, & M and baby J, have changed my life for the better. My heart is covered in their footprints. I am so grateful.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Day 314: Goodbyes Are Hard

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."

My three beautiful babies are onto the next chapter of their childhood. It's hard to let them go. It's hard to say goodbye. They have brought so much joy into my life. They got me through some hard times. They were the reason I woke up every morning with a smile on my face, excited for a full day of their sweet laughter and tight hugs. They have left their footprints on my heart and I will never, ever be the same. Between my mom and I, these kiddos will always have two prayer warriors praying for them. May the good Lord bless and protect them. I didn't have much time to say goodbye, and they probably wouldn't understand anyway, but if I could, this is what I would tell them...

A, J, and M: Thank you. Thank you for making me a better person. For all the times you made me laugh. All the times you made me feel so loved. I could see God's love in all your faces. For keeping me on my toes and constantly teaching me about life and imagination and forgiveness and patience and hope and love. Your energy and joy radiated to everyone who knew you. Your kindness was inspiring. I pray you never lose your beautiful, resilient spirits. You are wonderful. You are loved. You are worthy. I will never forget you.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Day 308: Relentless

"Don't let your passion fade away. Be relentless in your prayers, stay firm in your integrity & be content to serve God wherever He puts you."

I came across that quote on Twitter yesterday at the exact moment that I needed some encouragement. Although this past year has been filled with love and joy from all my sweet beautiful children, it has also been filled with many difficult situations. I was feeling quite down yesterday and was tempted to wallow in the "woe is me" school of thought. I wished I was home. I wished I was with my family. I wanted to be anywhere but here. God quickly and gently reminded me that He has put me here for a reason. Who am I to say what's best for me? Who am I to dare think that I know better than He does? I saw this quote and immediately thanked God for the much-needed reality check. I decided right then and there: I WILL be content serving God wherever He puts me. I WILL be relentless in my prayers and firm in my integrity. My passion will NOT fade away. No one can steal my joy except for me. Today, I choose joy.

Although dealing with conflict and standing up against adversity is anything but comfortable, this year has taught me that it is absolutely vital in our walks with God. Even though I don't understand it, I know He is teaching me and I am trying my hardest to do what is right - even if it's far outside my comfort zone. "God puts us into this world to refine us and purify us, not to comfort us." I found that in a random blog post yesterday and was so thankful for the reminder. Our comfort is not His priority. Being a child of God means that we will face many hardships and many difficult situations. It's times like these when God does his best work in us, if we let Him.

Instead of saying "Why me?", I will say "Thank you Lord, for teaching me, refining me, purifying me."

"Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants." - Deuteronomy 32:2

Day 295: James 1:27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress." - James 1:27

This verse has been on my heart a lot lately, for obvious reasons. Looking back on these past 10 months here at Casa, I am starting to see that God has been speaking to me: "Take care of my children." I want to answer His call, wherever that may lead. I trust in His perfect plan.

My heart is overflowing for these kids. C always wants to help. He helped me with dinner last night. Even though he made a mess, I knew that sweet memory was more important than any extra clean-up I had to do. I have learned the importance of focusing on the beauty of a moment - not letting tomorrow's worries invade today's joy. I'm still working on it.

So, as a reminder to myself, here are some reasons to be joyful today:

• The funny way C says my name. Over and over and over. All day long. "RAYCHULL! LOOK AT THIS!" "RAYCHULL! I'M A NINJA TURTLE!" "RAYCHULL! CAN I HAVE FRUIT SNACKS?"
• C asking "WHY?" Over and over and over. All day long. "What color is this?" "Blue." "Why?" I've never met such an inquisitive mind.
• H throwing his food. Every single meal. Why is this a reason to be joyful? I have learned the beautiful gift of patience. Thanks H, but don't do that again. PLEASE.
• Everything about baby D. His sweet baby smell, adorable smiles, giggles, and his latest kick: screaming. He now enjoys screaming. I think it's his way of learning how to talk (that's what I tell myself).
• Baby A standing up by herself! That girl will be walking soon.
• The way baby A laughs when you sing to her. The way she grabs your nose when you're feeding her. The way she gets so excited to play with her brothers.
• Baby D playing with toys AND ROLLING OVER!
• H's excited face when I tell him it's time to read books. The way he clumsily runs over to the bookshelf. The fact that he falls and trips 100 times a day, but gets right back up.
• Seeing the sibs out on the playground and holding them close.
• C singing "Gone, Gone, Gone" by Phillip Phillips (the cutest thing I've ever heard)

When enemies are at your door

I'll carry you away from war

If you need help, if you need help

Your hope dangling by a string

I'll share in your suffering

To make you well, to make you well

And I would do it for you, for you

Baby, I'm not moving on

I'll love you long after you're gone

Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you

These lyrics perfectly illustrate my love for these kids. I will love them for the rest of my life. Long after we say our earthly goodbyes. My heart never stops beating for them. And that, my friends, is my number one reason to be joyful today.

Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." - John 13:7

Day 273: Casa, crawfish, and kids...oh my!

First crawfish boil! Officially a southern girl...

A generous donor came to the Casa neighborhood last night and catered a complete cajun meal for us: crawfish and all! It was my first time experiencing a crawfish boil so I wasn't sure if I would like it, but they are delicious! After I worked for 10 minutes trying to rip the shell off, the little morsel of tasty meat was great :) It was a wonderful time with all the kiddos and fellow houseparents. Does this make me an official Texan?

Life here is wonderful. I wake up to my four lovely babies and get to love on them all day long. Oh, those sweet, beautiful faces! I just love them so much. I am constantly in awe over the absolute beauty and purity of a child's love. God has blessed me beyond belief by allowing me to experience this kind of love every single day. I am one lucky girl.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” - Matthew 19:14

Day 253: Summer is Coming

Well, it's almost summertime here in Houston. You know what that means! High 80s everyday. I'm loving it. Ask me how I like it in July and August; I might have a different response. Right now though, the weather is perfect. Life is good. 

My sweet babies C & H and baby A and Grumpy D (who's not grumpy at all, he's actually a pretty perfect baby) are all doing so well. Our house is working together smoothly and the kiddos are loving life. 

C is hilarious. He wakes up in the morning and says "You're the silliest and the craziest! Ha! I said it first!" I just sigh and say, "Yep C, you got me! I'll get ya tomorrow." He's in love with his new overalls. He unbuckles one side and says he looks just like "Wreck it, Ralph" (a recent kids' movie). He loves reading his Batman and Spiderman books (just like my A). He loves pre-school. He's head-over-heels for the Ninja Turtles. He's Donatello (the purple one). He is the pickiest eater I've EVER known. He hates all vegetables, even fruit and CHOCOLATE! Yep, even chocolate. Crazy kid. He makes me laugh all the time. I love his dance moves and how he helps me "clean" the bathroom. I love his onesie pajamas. I just love him.

H is a sweetheart with a screaming problem. He can be the loveliest, happiest kid you'll ever know, but as soon as you take him up to bed he will start screaming at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS. Oh man, that scream. Let's hope it's just a "terrible two" thing. I gotta love him though. His big ol' goofy smile in the morning. The way he yells "I'M READY!" when you take a toy from him. How much he misses G. The way he loves my phone. "Where's your phone? I want it." His adorable speech impediment. His backward onesies. His clumsiness. His big heart. Love you, H.

Baby A. That girl has ENERGY. All day long, she is on the move. Go, go, go. She just learned how to crawl, so she is all over the house putting everything in her mouth. Shoes, socks, toys, feet, grass...she doesn't discriminate. She is so strong. All muscle! Her arms have muscle definition. Unbelievable for a 7-month-old, right? She's basically almost walking. Child prodigy, folks! When she's hungry, her scream can probably deafen a small animal. It's that loud. Girl loves her food! I love when I'm rocking her to sleep and she looks up at me and smiles. I sing "Row, row, row your boat..." and she starts to giggle. Thanks for sleeping through the night. I love you, sweet girl.

Last, but definitely not least. Love of my life. Adorable baby D. Seriously, I love this baby so much. I want to keep him forever. He's my little 4-month-old man. That smile, his cheeks, those big dark eyes and little poof of hair. I love how he cuddles with me. I love how he laughs when I kiss his little face and hands and feet. I could smell him all day long. He's got the quietest, saddest sounding cry. He loves his pink pacifier. He's got a bulldog onesie and the cutest blue overalls. When I took him to the doctor, she remarked, "You can tell he really loves you. He is very attached to you." That melted my heart. Okay D, I'm gonna take you home with me forever. Love you to the moon.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." - Proverbs 19:21

Day 232: A Child's Love

Just got into my bed after the overnight with adorable baby D and spunky baby A. Baby D woke up a few times, but always with a smile on his face, so it was a good night. Baby A slept through the night, so it was a VERY good night. I was just lying here in bed, trying to get some extra hours of sleep, when I hear little H in the next room, "RACHEL! Can I get up? RACHEL! RACHEL!"

I just close my eyes and smile.

Then I remember one moment last November (Thanksgiving morning, to be exact). Lying in bed after the overnight, I hear my darling A ask (while on the toilet) "Where's Rachel?" They answer, "Rachel is sleeping." A responds, "I love Rachel."

I just closed my eyes and smiled. I said a silent prayer to my sweet Father in heaven, "Thank you, Lord."

My Father has blessed me with the greatest gift of all this year in Houston: the gift of love. Not just any love, a child's love. There is nothing in this world sweeter than that.

I think back to a few days ago. I wish I could capture moments in time and keep them safely stored away, so on darker days I can look back and relive the joy. I was outside with C and H while they were riding their bikes. My three babies (A, J, & M aka "the sibs") walk outside. They immediately see me and start running, yelling "RACHEL! RACHEL!" I smile the biggest smile as I see them running toward me with outstretched arms. I get down and open up my arms as they run into me and give me the greatest hug I've ever received. I looked up to heaven and said another silent prayer, "Thank you, Lord." This moment will stay with me forever. The volunteer who was standing nearby remarked, "Wow, they love you!" Yes, and their love has been one of my favorite blessings.

These moments, these sweet memories, these smiles and hugs...they are all gifts from my loving Father in heaven. I know, without a doubt, that with each joyful kiss and "I love you", He is sending His love down upon me. I don't deserve it, but I am so grateful for it.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." - James 1:17

Day 201: Pieces of My Heart

Today, I love... 

My sweet 4-year-old's excitement about his birthday (happy 4th birthday, little guy!), his newfound love for ninja turtles, H's sweet "I love you's" when I change his stinky diaper (always makes me smile, even when cleaning his poop!), G's mischievous laugh and mullet hairdo, and the way little B walks with his hands up and twirls them around when he cries. I love how B gets excited to clap his hands. I love how they dance. I love how they run. I love their joyful spirits. 

I was listening to Gary Allan's new song the other day, "Pieces". I have never been a huge Gary Allan fan, but his last two songs have resonated with me at the exact moments that I needed some comfort. His previous song called "Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)" gave me hope as I went through the sad transition into a new house, away from my three little loves. It's true, every storm does run out of rain. This too shall pass. Well, that storm has indeed passed. I have given it up to God and am trusting in His perfect plan. Gary Allan's newest song, "Pieces", has yet again struck a cord with me: 

Nothing's perfect in this world 
Everybody's been burned by the fire 
Guess I'm learning 
That what breaks you, makes you grow 

Pieces of my heart 
Pieces of my soul 
Pieces that I'm gonna be, I don't even know 
I gave a lot to lovers 
Gave a lot to friends 
Everything I took from them, made me who I am

I will always love those three precious babies. My heart broke when I left them because I felt like they were mine. God reminded me that they never were. They belong to Him. They have a perfect Father in Heaven; I know they'll be just fine. They have taught me so much; I will never be the same. The time I spent with them will be treasured forever. They have left a permanent imprint on my heart.

With each passing day, I fall more in love with these new children. I know that God wants me to love them with the same passion that I gave to A, J, and M. So, each day, I remind myself how blessed I am to spend my days with these amazing kids. I focus on their sweet smiles and pour out my love to them. It's a good life.

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” - Hebrews 4:16

Day 172: Best of Times, Worst of Times

So much has happened since the last time I was able to update. Some good things, some bad things - all lessons from God. I just got back from being home in NY for a week. When talking to family and friends about my time in Houston, I tell them that it has been the best and worst experience of my life. I have learned so much about myself and about the world and about God's unfailing love. I have never been so stressed, confused, and sad. I have fallen in love with the most beautiful children. I have had to say goodbye.

This year has been much harder than I thought it would be. Taking care of children and loving them with all your heart takes so much out of you. I didn't realize it until I couldn't be with them anymore. I can only hope and pray that God will protect them; that my love for them wasn't in vain. Oh, how I love them.

The hardest part is that they're still here. They still live in this neighborhood and I can see them on the playground and still be in their lives for a little while longer. I know that's a blessing. I try to see it as such. But I'm not the one taking care of them - tucking them into bed, kissing them goodnight, making them breakfast. I live in a new house now with new kids who need me just as much. Maybe someday I'll understand God's plan behind all of this. Right now, I just ask Him to strengthen and guide me every day. I know there are so many things I need to learn from Him. I can feel Him teaching me. I can feel His peace.

Now, I focus on the five precious babies God has trusted me with. I see their smiling faces and know that by serving these beautiful kids, I am serving the Lord. How can I not rejoice?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4